Thanks to everyone who signed up for the Online Study of Autism’s Hidden Blessings.  When I was thinking about doing an online study, where parents of children with special needs could support and encourage one another, I expected about 50 people to join.

Actually, 414 people signed up for the study. What this unexpected number says to me is that parents do need a special place where they can go to receive encouragement and share support.  I am smiling to see what is happening now in this group: Parents are sharing their stories, supporting each other and lifting up the name and power of Jesus to be there when we need Him.

And He is there for us… truly.

I will be offering the study again in the future. If you are interested in being added to that wait list, just add your name by clicking the following link:

Yes, I would like to stay informed and connected!

Thanks so much!

Kelly 

If you have signed up, in the next few days you will receive an e-newsletter with details about the study. If you haven’t signed up and are interested in participating, you can still sign up for now. Just click on the “Sign up for the 5/1 Study” link at the top of the right sidebar. There is no cost to participate in the online study.

Here’s a short video with additional information for you:

If you happen to be stopping over from Proverbs 31 Ministries’ Encouragement for Today devotional, I’m so glad you did. Proverbs 31 Ministries is a wonderful group of ladies, and I’m so blessed to know them.  There’s so much that I’d like to share with you, especially if you are the loved one of a special needs child.

I’d like to tell you that being a special needs parent is easy—but if you are the mother or father of a such a child, you know that it’s not. More than anything, I’d wish I could give you a hug and tell you that God is very able to help you and your sweet child.

Not only is He able, but He desires to surround you with His strength, patience and love.  He’s proven that love by giving us an inheritance of promises that we can count on to make it through the hard days.

Better still, God sent the very best advocate we could ever have for our child! This advocate is one that we don’t have to seek out. We won’t need to place a second (or third) mortgage on our house to afford His services. He knows everything about our child: their innermost thoughts, the words they say (or cannot say), and the structure of every cell in their body.

This advocate hears them when they cry and whispers comforts to them on long, restless nights. He is the voice that they do not have. The Peace that they seek. The arms that never tire, even when ours, as parents, do.  He sits at the right hand of Almighty God and has His Father’s ear. He knows that we will encounter trials and hardships, but He has already overcome them, promising rest, guidance and wisdom when we need it.

Our Advocate—Jesus—longs to help you. I know, because He helped me, and He helped my son.

He was there when I’d had enough. He listened when I felt lost and alone in a crazy, messed up world with a child I didn’t know how to communicate with. When I would have given up, He promised a bettter day for my son … and for me.

I am convinced that God’s ears quicken to the sound of a troubled child’s cry. I know that He listens to every prayer that rises from the lips of a mother.  I know that He is for us.

This is what I want to tell you: Our God,—and Jesus, our Advocate—are standing by. I want you to know that God will honor every promise, and I mean every promise, that Scripture gives to His children.

I want you to know that you can have joy again, overflowing, spilling out, and never running dry… if you will surrender your cares to Him.  It won’t happen in a day, but trust me, it will happen.

The truth is that we are blessed to be the loved one of a special needs child. Blessed to experience the beauty of that love.

Yes, that what I wanted to tell you.

If you would like to know more about what the Bible has to say on the topic—and there is so much more—please consider joining my online study of Autism’s Hidden Blessings beginning May 1st. Simply add your name to the Online Study Signup in the sidebar. I will cover two chapters from the book each week starting May 1st.

Thanks for stopping by! May God bless you today, and don’t forget to Light It Up Blue for Autism on April 2nd!

Kelly Langston

Now, congratulations to the winners of a copy of Lynn’s book, His Revolutionary Love. The winning commenters are:

Godchozn and Angela Sladovnik.

Please email your shipping address to me at: info@kellylangston.com. Thank you!

That creates a common situation where there is a neurotypical daughter, a sibling of an autistic brother. My own family is an example of this situation.

Six Ways to Build a Bridge to Your Girl’s Heart

Boys … how are they typically described? Rambunctious, loud, messy, insensitive. Then there are our girls. So often they are compassionate, strong, capable, even at times the backbone and heartbeat of our families.

Unlike you, I do not have a child who has autism, but my first born son did come with his own unique packaging. This has put my two daughters in places where they have had to step up and mature faster than I would have desired. Yes, God has used this to make them strong.  As their mom, though, I want to be aware of my girls needs. They need to be told they are beautiful. They need to be reminded consistently that they are loved. Like a plant in the hot Carolina summer sun, they need to be poured into on a daily basis so that they flourish and blossom.

This is no easy task, especially when we have another child who needs are much more apparent. Yet, friend, we cannot mistake the quiet stability of our girls as their lack of need. They need us to build a bridge to their heart; connecting our heart to theirs.

Here are six ways that you can build a bridge to your daughter’s heart:

1. Be informed.

   Be informed about what is happening in your girl’s world. What things make her anxious? A friendship? You know many times relationships with girls can be more complicated than boys! For over ten years I have been mentoring, speaking and writing to teen girls. Girls carry a lot of anxiety. They need to know being needy isn’t bad; that’s where God comes in! Much anxiety can be alleviated by simply by talking. Know your girl’s heart. When you do this, you say to your girl, “I care enough about you to learn your world.” 

2. Be approachable.
   

   Often what our girls need most from us is a safe place to talk. Recently, my daughter Madi was telling me about a friendship problem. I asked her, “Would you like me to just listen or do you want advice?” She said, “Just listen.”

   An approachable parent responds instead of reacts. We should be thermostats instead of thermometers. Thermometers tell us the temperature of the house, a thermostat sets it. By responding instead of reacting we are setting the temperature of a safe place to be yourself and be heard. 

3. Be available.
   

   Slowing down is important so we can be there for our children. Different kids will be more vulnerable and open at different times. Think over your life and your schedule. How can you arrange things so that you can be available to your daughter to hear about her world, her heart and the things she is going through in her mind?
   

4. Be vulnerable.

   Pouring into teen girls has been one of the Lord’s greatest gifts to me. These girls would say, “I wish I could talk to my mom like I can talk to you.” Or, “I wish my mom would tell me things about when she was growing up.” It is important to share with our girls the things we struggled with when we were their age. Of course, we need to do so as the Holy Spirit directs us and as it appropriate for their age, but our kids need to hear from us our struggles, our victories and our falls. When your child is struggling have you shared some of your stories with her? Does your child realize that you, too, struggle? 

5. Be her discipler.
   This is our chance to share with our girls what the Lord has done for us by going through His word with them. This can take place in two ways: informally and formally. Informally, I look for opportunities to tell my kids what Jesus is doing in my life. In the car, going for a walk or having a snack, I share how the Word helps solve problems.

   Formally, when my kids are eating their breakfast, I read God’s Word to them. I also have a small group for my youngest daughter and five of her ninth grade friends. Every other week we get together to do a Bible study and learn more about Jesus and his love for them. By following a formal format, I am reassured that we will have a pre-set time to read and study His Word together. 

6. Be willing to speak truth. 

   When your girl is looking in the mirror and lamenting over that zit on her forehead, remind her that Jesus says in Psalm 45:11: “The king is enthralled by your beauty.” When she feels rejected because everyone else has a boyfriend and she doesn’t, speak that truth “I am my lover’s and he is mine!” (Song of Solomon 2:16). When she wishes for a bigger chest and a smaller waist, speak to her, “You are altogether beautiful my darling and there is no blemish in you.” Your girl needs to know that the love she needs can never come from a guy – they just don’t have what it take; but Jesus has all she needs and then some!  

Remember:

You are the vessel, my friend, that the Lord can use pour the truth of unconditional love into your girl. Fill up and then pour out!

Lynn Cowell is a speaker and writer with Proverbs 31 Ministries. She lives in North Carolina with her husband of 24 years and her three teenage children. She has just released of her first book “His Revolutionary Love: Jesus’ Radical Pursuit of You”; a study for young women. She loves sushi, well worn sweatshirts and anything that combines chocolate and peanut butter. You can access free resources for you and your girl at www.LynnCowell.com.

I am very pleased to have Jaime Rafferty, author of Finding the Right Piece: Using Laughter and Faith in the Puzzle of Life (Crossbooks Publishing), share this precious post today about letting go of our own dreams for our children only to discover the thrilling life that God intends for them.

Now for Jaime’s post:

Could the first part of the title of this post possibly be any more depressing?  I might as well have called it, “A Visit from the Grim Reaper”.

Growing up, I don’t really recall the desire to be a mom. It was because I wasn’t sure I would be any good at it… and low and behold, some days I am not. (Smiles.) Poor Beau and Brynna, my children, but thank God for a wonderful Daddy…YOU GO PAUL!

Although I didn’t have this longing, the elation I had when I found out we were pregnant with our first child, Beau (as well as the 2nd time with Brynn), took away any doubt about my reservations of becoming a parent.

If I am honest, when we have children (by birth or adoption), we sometimes impress our own dreams — dreams that have gone by or been lost — upon them.  If we are “lucky”, they may carry the passion for something that we did in our youth, or perhaps go in a direction that amazes us and surpasses anything we could have dreamed up for them or ourselves.

For some parents, though, it seems that some of our dreams go unfulfilled in our children. I know that must sound selfish, right?  Please bear with me.

When Beau began showing signs of autism, both Paul and I had more emotions than we knew what to do with.  When he was diagnosed, although it was a relief to put a name to his perplexing behavior, we realized that many of the dreams we had for our son may never come to fruition.

Some thoughts that haunted us were:

Will he fit in with other kids? 

Will he have trouble in school?

Will he ever play sports?

Will he have the ability to learn?

Will he ever be potty trained?

Will he graduate from high school?

Will he be able to go to college?

Will he get married?

Will he ever be able to work full-time?

Will he be able to live on his own?

Who would take care of him if something should happen to us?

Some of those questions may seem petty, however they were very real feelings for us. Perhaps a dream that you once had was not in God’s plan for your life, and if so, then you completely understand what I am saying.

I have had the absolute honor of speaking with a young mom, Whitney.  She and her husband recently had their third child (another BOY!!). This joy has been somewhat clouded by issues they are facing with their oldest son. When we spoke for the first time, our stories were eerily similar…tantrums, peculiar behaviors/quirks, lack of social skills and so on. Although her son did not have a diagnosis, I was pretty sure by her description that our sons shared the same fate: autism. This was confirmed when he received a formal diagnosis. I wish autism on no family!  Paul and I know the struggles and heartache it can bring.

For me, I honestly try to find the blessings. As Beau’s mom, looking for the unseen blessing in autism helps me cope with the reality of dreams unrealized: often times societal dreams parents may have for kids.

I know that were it not for autism, I may not have the love and compassion for many other things. It is from our experience with Beau that I can say that.

Paul and I truly have seen LOVE, nurturing and so much more out of that diagnosis.

This love comes from the people that have worked with Beau, from Beau himself, from our families, and especially our sweet girl Brynn. (Smiles.) Have we seen the stares, heard the ugly comments and felt a lack of understanding?  Yep, we’ve seen all of that.  However the good has far outweighed the bad!

When Whitney told me of their diagnosis, though I was saddened, I knew it wasn’t a death sentence.  The news could be so much worse. It took me back to the way Paul and I felt so many years before. Whitney had a right to grieve this news. That’s her baby!! We, too, had our share of feelings of anger and confusion (and sometimes we still do)!

It’s almost like we mourned the thought of a “normal” existence for Beau, and for us, too.  The thing, at least for right now, is that Beau’s existence is completely normal to him. He is a 10 year old, often blissfully happy, fun-loving little boy.

We are the ones with crazy dreams for him. (Smiles.) He hates sports, and it would be cruel and unusual punishment for us to make him even try them. This summer while on vacation, Beau approached the sales rack at a Nike store and picked up a shirt he knew was made for him, it read, “You are a sports blooper

waiting to happen.”  Praise God that we can laugh over some of these thoughts now, 6 years after our diagnosis.

I don’t think I ever prayed that God would take autism away from Beau.  Paul may have, but I’m not sure.  The reason I wouldn’t is this:

We could all learn a few lessons from Beau Rafferty. 

Beau is honest (to a fault…LOL), he makes no judgements (at least he doesn’t verbalize them), he has an amazing sense of humor (WOO-HOO), and he is a WONDERFUL big brother to Brynn (and she likewise is a terrific sister!).

After seeing all those wonderful attributes,
what more could Paul and I have dreamed for our son?
Though autism wasn’t something Paul and I planned for…God did!

As I become closer to the Lord, I have seen and used many verses in our blog, in our book and in our life, but when I think of rearing our children, only ONE comes to mind.  I’m thankful because God uses this verse with Paul and I whenever things in our life, as it relates to Beau, become difficult for us to handle. Today I share this favorite, a verse loved by many:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD,
“Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

 – Jeremiah 29:11 

I now realize that it’s not for Paul or me to know Beau’s plan — we will leave it to the One who created Beau.

Here is a little something that blessed me whenever I am worried about Brynna or Beau: I inserted both of their names where it says “you” in Scripture: ”For I know the plans I have for you, Brynna, declares the LORD….” Talk about assurance!

This verse is often used as a reassurance for our own lives and walk with God, but I have chosen to also use it when I worry about the “lost dreams” for my kids. The verse reminds me that there is NO such thing as a lost dream!  There is a plan at work — a plan to prosper them (spiritually) and give them MORE than any earthly parent could ever dream!!!!

Just because Beau has autism, Paul and I still have the responsibility, as followers of Christ, to plant the seeds of faith through our daily living. It is up to me to know what Beau understands and what he doesn’t. It’s God who grants wisdom through understanding.

I don’t have a crystal ball and don’t need one as a child of God!  His word speaks my future when I remain in Him. His word speaks a future for my children if they remain in Him also!

It’s the death of our old dreams (without Him) that is exactly what must happen for us to get one step closer to the fulfilling life that He has in store for us!

I pray for you today: Perhaps there have been dreams that have died in your life or in the lives of your children. I insert YOUR name into Jeremiah 29:11 and let HIM reassure you.  Though trials will come, our hope lies in the overall plan for our future. When we LET him, we can live a life far more blessed and peaceful than anything we could have ever “dreamed” up. (Smiles.)

About Jaime: 

For as long as I can remember, a poem has been hanging on my refrigerator; I read it every morning before I grab my apple. It says:

“Blessed are you who stand beside us
as we enter new and untried ventures,
for our failures will be outweighed
by the times we surprise ourselves and you.”

    It is in human nature to judge a book by its cover: to underestimate those for whom we have formed preconceptions. I have learned throughout my six years of being a volunteer counselor at Special Camp for Special Kids to defy this universal truth. In an environment where everyone is viewed equally, regardless of intellect, physical ability, or emotional stability, I have matured in many ways far beyond my years. As a spokesperson for this particular camp, I preach acceptance, optimism, and the ability to look beyond the “book cover” of a child who might be physically or mentally challenged or both.

My younger brother, Jim, was diagnosed with autism at age two. I didn’t quite understand what that meant when I was younger, all I knew was that he had  “helpers” come in every day, got to take longer baths than me, and our mom would read books to him before he went to sleep years after I was reading Harry Potter on my own. I never quite understood why people would stare at the grocery store; make comments in passing at the park, or request different classrooms at school.

Our world is laden with abnormalities; who is a stranger to judge what is normal and what isn’t? My brother is one of the happiest, smartest and most carefree people I know- last time I checked those were qualities to be desired, not judged. Some refer to Jim as the “human GPS”, for he can give you directions to the middle-of-nowhere Arkansas as long as he’s been there once in his lifetime. Others call him “The Mayor” to honor his passion for social greetings.  His autism doesn’t change anything, and as he enters his sophomore year of high school, he has developed into a brilliant person. I always have and always will love my brother and see him as an equal, but the rest of the world won’t, just because his brain functions a little differently.

It wasn’t until the summer before my 8^th grade when my family discovered an environment where there was no “judging a book by its cover” theme: Special Camp for Special Kids. From that summer on, Jim and I would participate in camp for a week, me being a counselor and Jim a camper. Each counselor is paired up with a camper with special needs. Sure, it is a week where normally functioning teenagers give back and help the community, but most of the counselors know that they’re the truly fortunate ones. Special camp is merely one week, yet it has the potential to build memories that will last a lifetime. I look forward to that one week every year, and I will continue to do it far beyond high school.

Programs like Special Camp and Best Buddies have greatly influenced what occupation I wish to pursue in the future. Special Camp for Special Kids has challenged me to be the most accepting and patient person I could ever be, to ignore the stares of judgmental people and most importantly, to realize that a wheelchair or medical diagnosis doesn’t inhibit one from doing anything they set their mind to.

Broken.

That’s what it was now, broken, with an asymmetrical flutter to wings that only moments before lifted the butterfly in a dance around the church lawn. Only a few seconds ago I had stood watching sunlight reflect off of its colorful wings as it bounced across the blades of grass.

The butterfly, however, was not what had first caught my eye as I stood in line to pick up my son, Alec, from a day camp for special needs children at a local church in town.  It was the child — the boy with autism — that first captured my attention.  He was tugging on the arm of his caregiver with a brawny strength, roughly pulling her this way and that as they waited for his family to come for him.  The boy jerked the girl from spot to spot, physically unable to stand at a stillness.  The young caregiver gently pulled him back to a safer place, never losing her smile, each time he got too close to the parking lot or a passing car. She never let go of his hand.

As I watched the two in a strange dance of their own, my heart ached for the boy just as it does whenever I see a child struggling with autism. That familiar feeling rose from the pit of my stomach, the same one that I felt when I did not know how to reach my autistic son Alec in his younger years.  I will never forget how hard and long the days could be.

Lost in my memories, I was more than happy when the butterfly caught my eye. I couldn’t help but notice the tiny insect, darting from blade to blade with a seeming carelessness.  I was so entranced by its dance that I forgot the sun’s scorch on the 100 degree day.

I can only describe what happened next as a visual that still haunts me.  

As I watched this butterfly, the boy appeared from behind me, pulling his caregiver to where I was standing. In one quick swoop – and before his caregiver could stop him – his hand shot down and captured the butterfly in his clenched fist.  She pulled it free from the boy’s grasp and I watched fragile wings fall to the sidewalk. Now earthbound, the butterfly fluttered for a few moments before dying.

Isn’t it strange how something so simple can hit you so hard?  I could feel grief rising in the back of my throat, but I wasn’t sure what it was about the scene that hurt me most. Was it the brokenness of a boy who longed to touch something beautiful and carefree, only to crush the life from it?  Or was it the thought of how quickly something so lovely can die?

The vivid scene stuck with me all night. I prayed that God would help me understand why there is so much pain in the world.  I couldn’t shake the image of the butterfly’s falling wings from my mind.

The  next morning, I packed Alec’s lunch and we drove off for another day at this excellent day camp.  I parked the car and walked with my son up to the church.  I stepped onto the sidewalk right behind a little girl about 8 years old with Down’s Syndrome.  The sunlight bounced off of her golden hair as she skipped along holding her mother’s hand.  Without a care in the world, she sang a song and when I heard the words that she sang, I stopped in my tracks:

“I am a beautiful butterfly!  I am a beautiful butterfly”

With each light step, she twirled and sang this little song. A tingle ran up my spine as I realized what God was showing me.

Yes, Lord, I get it!  These handicapped children are the butterflies. They are full of beauty! Filled with grace and wonder, and even so, they are broken. But oh, how lovely and special they are to You, Lord, and how precious a gift it is to get to behold one single moment of the beauty that lives within them!

Graced.  We are graced to be touched by the beauty that exists in brokenness. There is a beauty beyond compare in brokenness. How precious it is to be a parent to one of these broken, beautiful butterflies, to be privileged to see God carry them through painful days by the strength of an encouraging smile.  To feel the loss of what might have been, the crush of overwhelming need, and the Divine Light that runs through it all and makes it worth our efforts.

Thank you, Sweet Jesus, for choosing me to love a child with a special need.

After I entered the church that morning, I noticed that each of the day campers wore a handmade name tag necklace tied with yarn.  Each child’s name was printed on a cardboard silhouette of — you guessed it – a butterfly.

Alec’s teenage camp buddy leaned down to greet my son with a high five and a smile.  Then I noticed something else. All of the counselors wore colorful shirts with the words “I am a New Creation” on the front. On the back of each shirt was the week’s Bible verse:

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature;
the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

2 Corinthians 5:17

Finally, I understood!  Like the butterfly, we are all broken, but, praise God, there is great beauty within our brokenness. Better yet, we are new creatures with a future and a hope of eternity — unbroken — in Christ.  One day each broken body will be resurrected to a new beauty unimaginable in this life.

Forever restored, we will rise up to dance
a never-ending dance before the very throne of the Most High.  

Praise Him!