Tomorrow, I’m giving away a book by my friend Lynn Cowell, author of His Revolutionary Love: Jesus’ Radical Pursuit of You. Her amazing book shows teen girls how a relationship with Jesus can meet their deepest desire-from the need for identity & significance to being seen by someone as beautiful.
I’ve asked Lynn to guest post because there are so many sisters who live with a brother with autism. Parents of children with autism, who have so much on our plates, can sometimes overlook the needs of these precious sibling daughters, especially when they seem to be doing well! (I’m personally guilty of this.)
If you have a teen girl (or know one,) stop by my blog tomorrow and leave a comment. I’ll select one winner & send Lynn’s book to you!
Could the first part of the title of this post possibly be any more depressing? I might as well have called it, “A Visit from the Grim Reaper”.
Growing up, I don’t really recall the desire to be a mom. It was because I wasn’t sure I would be any good at it… and low and behold, some days I am not. (Smiles.) Poor Beau and Brynna, my children, but thank God for a wonderful Daddy…YOU GO PAUL!
Although I didn’t have this longing, the elation I had when I found out we were pregnant with our first child, Beau (as well as the 2nd time with Brynn), took away any doubt about my reservations of becoming a parent.
If I am honest, when we have children (by birth or adoption), we sometimes impress our own dreams — dreams that have gone by or been lost — upon them. If we are “lucky”, they may carry the passion for something that we did in our youth, or perhaps go in a direction that amazes us and surpasses anything we could have dreamed up for them or ourselves.
For some parents, though, it seems that some of our dreams go unfulfilled in our children. I know that must sound selfish, right? Please bear with me.
When Beau began showing signs of autism, both Paul and I had more emotions than we knew what to do with. When he was diagnosed, although it was a relief to put a name to his perplexing behavior, we realized that many of the dreams we had for our son may never come to fruition.
Some thoughts that haunted us were:
Will he fit in with other kids?
Will he have trouble in school?
Will he ever play sports?
Will he have the ability to learn?
Will he ever be potty trained?
Will he graduate from high school?
Will he be able to go to college?
Will he get married?
Will he ever be able to work full-time?
Will he be able to live on his own?
Who would take care of him if something should happen to us?
Some of those questions may seem petty, however they were very real feelings for us. Perhaps a dream that you once had was not in God’s plan for your life, and if so, then you completely understand what I am saying.
I have had the absolute honor of speaking with a young mom, Whitney. She and her husband recently had their third child (another BOY!!). This joy has been somewhat clouded by issues they are facing with their oldest son. When we spoke for the first time, our stories were eerily similar…tantrums, peculiar behaviors/quirks, lack of social skills and so on. Although her son did not have a diagnosis, I was pretty sure by her description that our sons shared the same fate: autism. This was confirmed when he received a formal diagnosis. I wish autism on no family! Paul and I know the struggles and heartache it can bring.
For me, I honestly try to find the blessings. As Beau’s mom, looking for the unseen blessing in autism helps me cope with the reality of dreams unrealized: often times societal dreams parents may have for kids.
I know that were it not for autism, I may not have the love and compassion for many other things. It is from our experience with Beau that I can say that.
Paul and I truly have seen LOVE, nurturing and so much more out of that diagnosis.
This love comes from the people that have worked with Beau, from Beau himself, from our families, and especially our sweet girl Brynn. (Smiles.) Have we seen the stares, heard the ugly comments and felt a lack of understanding? Yep, we’ve seen all of that. However the good has far outweighed the bad!
When Whitney told me of their diagnosis, though I was saddened, I knew it wasn’t a death sentence. The news could be so much worse. It took me back to the way Paul and I felt so many years before. Whitney had a right to grieve this news. That’s her baby!! We, too, had our share of feelings of anger and confusion (and sometimes we still do)!
It’s almost like we mourned the thought of a “normal” existence for Beau, and for us, too. The thing, at least for right now, is that Beau’s existence is completely normal to him. He is a 10 year old, often blissfully happy, fun-loving little boy.
We are the ones with crazy dreams for him. (Smiles.) He hates sports, and it would be cruel and unusual punishment for us to make him even try them. This summer while on vacation, Beau approached the sales rack at a Nike store and picked up a shirt he knew was made for him, it read, “You are a sports blooper
waiting to happen.” Praise God that we can laugh over some of these thoughts now, 6 years after our diagnosis.
I don’t think I ever prayed that God would take autism away from Beau. Paul may have, but I’m not sure. The reason I wouldn’t is this:
We could all learn a few lessons from Beau Rafferty.
Beau is honest (to a fault…LOL), he makes no judgements (at least he doesn’t verbalize them), he has an amazing sense of humor (WOO-HOO), and he is a WONDERFUL big brother to Brynn (and she likewise is a terrific sister!).
After seeing all those wonderful attributes, what more could Paul and I have dreamed for our son? Though autism wasn’t something Paul and I planned for…God did!
As I become closer to the Lord, I have seen and used many verses in our blog, in our book and in our life, but when I think of rearing our children, only ONE comes to mind. I’m thankful because God uses this verse with Paul and I whenever things in our life, as it relates to Beau, become difficult for us to handle. Today I share this favorite, a verse loved by many:
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD,
“Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
– Jeremiah 29:11
I now realize that it’s not for Paul or me to know Beau’s plan — we will leave it to the One who created Beau.
Here is a little something that blessed me whenever I am worried about Brynna or Beau: I inserted both of their names where it says “you” in Scripture: ”For I know the plans I have for you, Brynna, declares the LORD….” Talk about assurance!
This verse is often used as a reassurance for our own lives and walk with God, but I have chosen to also use it when I worry about the “lost dreams” for my kids. The verse reminds me that there is NO such thing as a lost dream! There is a plan at work — a plan to prosper them (spiritually) and give them MORE than any earthly parent could ever dream!!!!
Just because Beau has autism, Paul and I still have the responsibility, as followers of Christ, to plant the seeds of faith through our daily living. It is up to me to know what Beau understands and what he doesn’t. It’s God who grants wisdom through understanding.
I don’t have a crystal ball and don’t need one as a child of God! His word speaks my future when I remain in Him. His word speaks a future for my children if they remain in Him also!
It’s the death of our old dreams (without Him) that is exactly what must happen for us to get one step closer to the fulfilling life that He has in store for us!
I pray for you today: Perhaps there have been dreams that have died in your life or in the lives of your children. I insert YOUR name into Jeremiah 29:11 and let HIM reassure you. Though trials will come, our hope lies in the overall plan for our future. When we LET him, we can live a life far more blessed and peaceful than anything we could have ever “dreamed” up. (Smiles.)
About Jaime:
Jaime Rafferty has a degree in speech communication. She has worked in public health for ten years, and she currently co-hosts a local television show. She enjoys speaking publicly about autism and how it has impacted the Rafferty family. Jaime and her family live in Kentucky. You can connect with Jaime on her blog at: http://findingtherightpiece.blogspot.com.
I am happy to to post this essay, a Special Guest Post, by Katie Ragsdale, a sibling to a brother with autism. I love Katie’s theme of ” acceptance, optimism, and the ability to look beyond the ‘book cover’ of a child.” Here is Katie’s essay:
For as long as I can remember, a poem has been hanging on my refrigerator; I read it every morning before I grab my apple. It says:
“Blessed are you who stand beside us as we enter new and untried ventures,
for our failures will be outweighed
by the times we surprise ourselves and you.”
It is in human nature to judge a book by its cover: to underestimate those for whom we have formed preconceptions. I have learned throughout my six years of being a volunteer counselor at Special Camp for Special Kids to defy this universal truth. In an environment where everyone is viewed equally, regardless of intellect, physical ability, or emotional stability, I have matured in many ways far beyond my years. As a spokesperson for this particular camp, I preach acceptance, optimism, and the ability to look beyond the “book cover” of a child who might be physically or mentally challenged or both.
My younger brother, Jim, was diagnosed with autism at age two. I didn’t quite understand what that meant when I was younger, all I knew was that he had “helpers” come in every day, got to take longer baths than me, and our mom would read books to him before he went to sleep years after I was reading Harry Potter on my own. I never quite understood why people would stare at the grocery store; make comments in passing at the park, or request different classrooms at school.
Our world is laden with abnormalities; who is a stranger to judge what is normal and what isn’t? My brother is one of the happiest, smartest and most carefree people I know- last time I checked those were qualities to be desired, not judged. Some refer to Jim as the “human GPS”, for he can give you directions to the middle-of-nowhere Arkansas as long as he’s been there once in his lifetime. Others call him “The Mayor” to honor his passion for social greetings. His autism doesn’t change anything, and as he enters his sophomore year of high school, he has developed into a brilliant person. I always have and always will love my brother and see him as an equal, but the rest of the world won’t, just because his brain functions a little differently.
It wasn’t until the summer before my 8th grade when my family discovered an environment where there was no “judging a book by its cover” theme: Special Camp for Special Kids. From that summer on, Jim and I would participate in camp for a week, me being a counselor and Jim a camper. Each counselor is paired up with a camper with special needs. Sure, it is a week where normally functioning teenagers give back and help the community, but most of the counselors know that they’re the truly fortunate ones. Special camp is merely one week, yet it has the potential to build memories that will last a lifetime. I look forward to that one week every year, and I will continue to do it far beyond high school.
Programs like Special Camp and Best Buddies have greatly influenced what occupation I wish to pursue in the future. Special Camp for Special Kids has challenged me to be the most accepting and patient person I could ever be, to ignore the stares of judgmental people and most importantly, to realize that a wheelchair or medical diagnosis doesn’t inhibit one from doing anything they set their mind to.
Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.
Interesting Biblical References to Fig Trees:
THE PROMISED LAND:Deuteronomy 8:8 describes the promised land as “a land of wheat and barley, and vines and fig-trees and pomegranates.”
HEALTH AND RESTORATION:1 Samuel 30:11-12 mentions the medicinal value of figs: “Along the way they found an Egyptian man in a field and brought him to David. They gave him some bread to eat and water to drink. They also gave him part of a fig cake and two clusters of raisins, for he hadn’t had anything to eat or drink for three days and nights. Before long his strength returned.”
Have you ever felt that you’ll never fit in or find your place? Have you stood at a window–palms pressed to glass–looking into the place where you want to be, seeing people there but knowing you don’t have access? Waiting for a door to open that seems forever locked?
Knocking on that door, are you answered with words that you are:
Under-qualified Not Experienced
Not Welcomed
Too Old, Too Young
We’ve all been there. You could be in a place of unemployment, or maybe you’ve been locked out of a particular social circle. You could be unable to advance in your career or in the fight of your life for a better relationship. There are times when it seems we are locked out of the place we want to be.
If you feel like you will never get there, let me share with you a story, one that I hope will encourage you to look for the promise of God’s favor in your own life despite the circumstances:
Here’s the story:
Each week about a year or so ago, I met with a sweet friend to share coffee, encouragement and prayer. We were both treading water in a sea of financial stress. She had been looking for work for more than a year, and I was struggling to keep my family encouraged as my husband’s business faltered with no new projects on the horizon.
We had been meeting for months to share scriptures and hope with each other. When one of us couldn’t go another (seemingly) hopeless day, the other would speak a gentle word and share a promise from scripture. Make no mistake, it was a dark time and to this day we are still shaking the muck and mire from our feet.
But on one particularly distressing day, my friend and I sat in the coffee shop at a table adjacent to a glass window. Our table was drizzled with coffee, tea and more than a few tears of frustration. My friend had been rejected for yet another job, and my husband was so discouraged that I felt helpless.
Then God showed up.
In the ugliness of that moment, two beautiful pure white doves flew down to our coffee shop window and perched on the window frame by our table. Startled, we watched as the doves pecked at the window for about five minutes, almost as if to get our attention. We were speechless, watching these two beautiful white birds only an inch away from us, pecking on the glass. Then, just as suddenly as they came, they flew away.
I have never again seen a white dove in nature, and in fact, I don’t recall seeing one before that day. Oh, I have seen pigeons, and I’ve seen grey doves–but never a white dove. And certainly not two doves.
Think what you may, but here’s the reason why I am sharing this story: If you feel discouraged like I did, then God has a message for you today, the same one He sent to me at the coffee shop. His message is this:
You, my child, are greatly favored.
You are greatly valued.
I know where you are, and I see your situation.
I AM El Roi, the God Who Sees!
I am with you, and I will see you through this storm.
When you are met with discouragement due to whatever situation you face, you need to know that God’s favor rests on you even when it seems like the world stands against us. Satan will come to us in times of trial, whispering, “Where is your God now? Has He forgotten you?”
Take heart. He has NOT forgotten you! Remember that you are a favored child, even in times such as these. In fact, we need to remember God’s favor especially in the dark times! Satan would have us forget… and lose the battle.
Here’s what I want to leave you with…it is not our battle. It’s God’s battle. He will be victorious.
I’ll leave you with the words of Christ in the temple as He stepped into His great mission of salvation. Jesus unrolled the scroll of Isaiah and read these words:
“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.” Luke 4:16-19
Remember, if you are in Christ….then you have the Lord’s favor. Live in that favor!
That’s what it was now, broken, with an asymmetrical flutter to wings that only moments before lifted the butterfly in a dance around the church lawn. Only a few seconds ago I had stood watching sunlight reflect off of its colorful wings as it bounced across the blades of grass.
The butterfly, however, was not what had first caught my eye as I stood in line to pick up my son, Alec, from a day camp for special needs children at a local church in town. It was the child — the boy with autism — that first captured my attention. He was tugging on the arm of his caregiver with a brawny strength, roughly pulling her this way and that as they waited for his family to come for him. The boy jerked the girl from spot to spot, physically unable to stand at a stillness. The young caregiver gently pulled him back to a safer place, never losing her smile, each time he got too close to the parking lot or a passing car. She never let go of his hand.
As I watched the two in a strange dance of their own, my heart ached for the boy just as it does whenever I see a child struggling with autism. That familiar feeling rose from the pit of my stomach, the same one that I felt when I did not know how to reach my autistic son Alec in his younger years. I will never forget how hard and long the days could be.
Lost in my memories, I was more than happy when the butterfly caught my eye. I couldn’t help but notice the tiny insect, darting from blade to blade with a seeming carelessness. I was so entranced by its dance that I forgot the sun’s scorch on the 100 degree day.
I can only describe what happened next as a visual that still haunts me.
As I watched this butterfly, the boy appeared from behind me, pulling his caregiver to where I was standing. In one quick swoop – and before his caregiver could stop him – his hand shot down and captured the butterfly in his clenched fist. She pulled it free from the boy’s grasp and I watched fragile wings fall to the sidewalk. Now earthbound, the butterfly fluttered for a few moments before dying.
Isn’t it strange how something so simple can hit you so hard? I could feel grief rising in the back of my throat, but I wasn’t sure what it was about the scene that hurt me most. Was it the brokenness of a boy who longed to touch something beautiful and carefree, only to crush the life from it? Or was it the thought of how quickly something so lovely can die?
The vivid scene stuck with me all night. I prayed that God would help me understand why there is so much pain in the world. I couldn’t shake the image of the butterfly’s falling wings from my mind.
The next morning, I packed Alec’s lunch and we drove off for another day at this excellent day camp. I parked the car and walked with my son up to the church. I stepped onto the sidewalk right behind a little girl about 8 years old with Down’s Syndrome. The sunlight bounced off of her golden hair as she skipped along holding her mother’s hand. Without a care in the world, she sang a song and when I heard the words that she sang, I stopped in my tracks:
“I am a beautiful butterfly! I am a beautiful butterfly”
With each light step, she twirled and sang this little song. A tingle ran up my spine as I realized what God was showing me.
Yes, Lord, I get it! These handicapped childrenare the butterflies. They are full of beauty! Filled with grace and wonder, and even so, they are broken. But oh, how lovely and special they are to You, Lord, and how precious a gift it is to get to behold one single moment of the beauty that lives within them!
Graced. We are graced to be touched by the beauty that exists in brokenness. There is a beauty beyond compare in brokenness. How precious it is to be a parent to one of these broken, beautiful butterflies, to be privileged to see God carry them through painful days by the strength of an encouraging smile. To feel the loss of what might have been, the crush of overwhelming need, and the Divine Light that runs through it all and makes it worth our efforts.
Thank you, Sweet Jesus, for choosing me to love a child with a special need.
After I entered the church that morning, I noticed that each of the day campers wore a handmade name tag necklace tied with yarn. Each child’s name was printed on a cardboard silhouette of — you guessed it – a butterfly.
Alec’s teenage camp buddy leaned down to greet my son with a high five and a smile. Then I noticed something else. All of the counselors wore colorful shirts with the words “I am a New Creation” on the front. On the back of each shirt was the week’s Bible verse:
Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.
Finally, I understood! Like the butterfly, we are all broken, but, praise God, there is great beauty within our brokenness. Better yet, we are new creatures with a future and a hope of eternity — unbroken — in Christ. One day each broken body will be resurrected to a new beauty unimaginable in this life.
Forever restored, we will rise up to dance
a never-ending dance before the very throne of the Most High.
What do you desire, in the deepest, most sacred place of
your heart, that you haven’t dared to ask God to grant you?
No, I’m not talking about a basic need here. I’m talking about so much more than that. Something so impossibly wonderful that you can’t bear to consider it as a reality for your life, and yet, that’s exactly what I want you to do right now.
Close your eyes with me for a moment and ask God to bring that secret dream to mind. Become a child again — without the consequences of reality to stop you — and allow that vision to float to the surface.
Do you see it? What is your dream?
Did you know that the most sacred of dreams are given to us by God Himself? Yes, God — Who places a purpose on the life of every one of His children and Who gifts each uniquely according to that purpose — also gives us a unique dream. Some call it a calling, or a life mission. Sadly, only a few actually discover that dream and achieve it.
For most of us that special dream stays hidden in the secret places of our hearts and minds. Why?
The Bible gives us a glimpse of why in a story found in 2 Kings 4:8-36. It’s a story about a a wealthy women from the town of Shunem who opened her home to Elisha, the great prophet of God. Because of her generosity, Elisha offered her an opportunity to grant her heart’s desire.
Think hard for a minute with me. What if God were to offer you the same opportunity? Would you ask Him for the thing that you want more than anything? Before you answer yes, think hard here. Would you really ask God for something so impossibly big? Would you really trust God to give you the one thing that would light up your life?
Or….would you be afraid that He would decline
such an extreme request?
Would you doubt that God could really grant such an awesome request? Wonder if the obstacles would be too great for God? Or maybe you think that God doesn’t “do miracles” these days? And worse, would you doubt that God cared enough for you personally to say yes? Would you become so vulnerable as to ask God to grant your deepest desire?
If so, what if God said no? Where would that leave you?
Hurt and rejected.
Surprisingly, the women from Shumen didn’t take up Elisha’s amazing offer either. Oh, she had a dream, alright. A dream that she had wrapped up tightly and tucked away for good. Her dream was to have a son. She knew the odds were stacked against her. Time was passing and the story tells us us that her husband was old. You see, this sweet lady had given up on her dream to become a mother. She believed it was too much to ask of God.
So when Elisha asked if there was anything he could do for her, she pasted on a fake smile and hid her deep desire:
“No,” she relied, “my family takes good care of me.” 2 Kings 4:13 NLT
But God allowed Elisha to look beyond her phony smile and see a glimpse of her secret dream. Yes, God wanted to do much more for this women than she dared to ask.
Elisha, seeing her secret desire, prophesied that she would be holding a son in her arms by next year. Her response gives us insight into the fear that plagues us all: that when we offer God our wildest dream – the one we are afraid to even disclose to others – that He will turn His back on us.
“No, my lord!” she cried. ”O man of God, don’t deceive me and get my hopes up like that.” 2 Kings 4:16 NLT
Exactly! How many times do we, like this woman, fail to ask God to grant that amazing dream that He planted in our hearts? Aren’t we all afraid that God will reject us? Indeed, Satan would have us to believe that God would never grant us our dreams, especially when that dream is God-given!
God wants to do MORE than we dare ask! His eyes continually search for the one who will become vulnerable enough to ask Him for the impossible. God has given His children special dreams, and God is ready to empower us to use it for His kingdom.
So my question to you today is: what is YOUR dream? Are you ready to ASK God for it?
“Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name?”
In this age of reality shows and celeb wannabe’s, it seems that everyone wants their moment in the limelight. All of us – if we are true to ourselves – have a basic desire to be known by others. We want to be listened to by others. Ultimately in this life …
We want to matter.
But how? How can we matter?
The Bible presents a surprising pathway to becoming great. As an Internet marketer, its my opinion that this Biblical tip is one of the most powerful and effective marketing secrets around. Quite simply, it can’t be beat.
Watch this video while I explain…
“But it must not be like that among you. On the contrary, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must be a slave to all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life —a ransom for many.”
Today I wanted to give a shout out to Paula Wiseman, my friend and author of Contingencyand, more recently her newest book Indemnity. Both books are part of Paula’s Covenant of Trust Christian Fiction Series. (Get reading! Book 3: Precedent will release later in 2011.)
Paula’s Covenant of Trust series tackles the difficult subject of infidelity as she takes her readers on a journey through a powerful story of lost trust, grace and faith. Want to know more? Here is a little about Contingency:
Bobbi Molinsky’s comfortable life is shattered when a forwarded email from her husband’s account lands in her inbox. The email teases, “My whole evening is free again.” After an angry confrontation with Chuck, she is left with the broken remains of an eighteen year marriage. The question is: Where is God?
Paula’s follow-up, Indemnity, considers how Christians are to respond when God brings us to the extreme boundary of faith… then asks us to go one step more. How do we forgive the unforgivable? Does grace or mercy or justice have a limit? In this second book, lead characters Bobbi and Chuck have rebuilt their marriage after his affair, and are forced to deal with the reappearance of the other woman and the son born from the infidelity.
And now, a word from Paula!:
I love Kelly’s heart, and I love how it comes through in everything she writes, even her tweets. When she agreed to guest post for me, she graciously offered to reciprocate. “Plus you can write about your book!” she said. Writers never turn down a chance to talk about their books.
First some background – So many people question whether Scripture is relevant, whether it has the answers for us in this day and age, and whether it can speak to the deepest cries of our hearts.
I believe God’s word IS relevant, it DOES have the answers for us even in this day and age, and it absolutely CAN speak to the deepest cries of our hearts.
In Contingency, Bobbi and Chuck Molinsky struggle with trust, forgiveness and redemption after his infidelity nearly destroys their marriage. In the background of the story, God calls them to enter into a covenant of trust with Him, challenging them to place their unwavering trust in His sovereignty, His purpose and His unfailing love for each of them.
When we received that first box of books, we sat it on the dining room table and gathered the kids around. Then my husband led us in the most beautiful time of worship, dedication and prayer. We prayed that the book accomplishes God’s purposes and that it prospers. It’s our desire to touch people through the written words or through conversations that may result, and that in each case grace would be the result. In some ways, the book’s release reminded me of Hannah and Samuel. I’ve prayed for this little story, raised it, and now it’s been put into God’s service.
So far, the response and the reviews have been tremendous. I’m humbled that God would let me have a hand in it. I’d love for you to pick up a copy of Contingency and let the story and the characters grab hold of you. The people and the story may be fiction, but the way God works, how He changes lives and gives hope is the absolute truth.
In the meantime, do you have an unwavering trust in God, His sovereignty, His purpose and His unfailing love? What gifts or means are you using to communicate the truths you hold dear?
May He grant you according to your heart’s desire and fulfill all your purpose. Psalm 20:4
After working several years as research chemist, Paula Wiseman was blessed with the opportunity to stay home with her children and follow the writer’s path. She has been published in several Cup of Comfort devotional books and in Life Savors for Women. Contingency: Book One: Covenant of Trust Series, her debut novel, spent time on the Amazon.com Christian Fiction bestsellers list, and was also the #1 Hot New Release in Christian Fiction. Indemnity her second novel, releases April 2011. Paula blogs on matters of life and faith at www.paulawiseman.com.
Stop by tomorrow for a special giveaway!
Comments from Readers … or your turn to talk!